


your heart’s a thousand colors (but they’re all shades of blue)

by black_norse



Series: The Weight Of Their Worlds (Dekesy Trilogy) [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, TW: Pills, and some bobo and deke interactions, dekesy moments, don't take pills please, im terrible at tagging bye, nana is here too, stan's midnight writings, this is a sad one, tw: depression, tw: suicide attempt, when deke is very very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28716318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_norse/pseuds/black_norse
Summary: Agent Shaw was hiding something for a very long time, but he couldn't easily tell it to anyone, even to his closest friend.
Relationships: Deke Shaw & Jemma Simmons, Deke Shaw & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Leo Fitz & Deke Shaw
Series: The Weight Of Their Worlds (Dekesy Trilogy) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149158
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	your heart’s a thousand colors (but they’re all shades of blue)

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thank you to @would-die-for-fitzsimmons for proofreading and coining the title <33 I couldn't think of a better title though. I write this fic every midnight, fun fact, I'm just in a mood of writing these times of night. Another angst fic by yours truly.  
> TW: Suicide Attempt, Depression, Pills.

“Is that your usual speed? You’re so bloody slow, why are you even thinking of working with us?!!” Fitz yelled with force, with his face turning red and full of sweat. “You’re wasting our time.”

“Sorry, Bobo.” Deke swallowed nervously , staring at the wires and bolts in front of him that he had yet to work at. “I’ll try working faster.” he looked at Fitz at for a second, but he couldn’t stand it, he just looked so… angry. He couldn’t even focus properly on what he was doing.

“Okay, you better work faster big boy, we need that in two days.” Fitz said with his pissed look fading slightly. Deke was somewhat relieved to hear his calmer tone. Fitz walked away afterwards, leaving Deke alone at the worktable. He regained his focus back on the unfinished work. He wasn't like this before. He used to be passionate and motivated. But now, all he could think about was…why did these wires and metal parts have to appear in front of him? He had to keep working.

He wiped his palm over his sweaty forehead, clicked his tongue and began trying to figure things out. He scratched his head with his right hand. He hadn’t yet moved a single part on the table; he ran his hands over the components and had an idea. He picked up the wrench and started working continuously. He didn’t stop though it was slower than his normal working speed. He stopped when he felt a nudge on his shoulder.

“Deke.”

That nudge was so sudden, he almost jumped and turned back, saw Jemma in front of him. “Nana.” he chuckled. “You startled me.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jemma said. “You didn’t show up for dinner earlier. You should eat yours.”

“I’m busy.” Deke looked back on his worktable. “I’m kinda busy, see?”

“That’s a handful, huh.” Jemma responded. Then she looked at Deke’s pale face and tired eyes. “You don’t look so good right now.”

“What do you mean I don’t look so good right now?” Deke snickered, managing a grin. “See I look good.” he put his hand under his smiling face. He felt it was so forced, but he couldn’t take off his cheerful mask in front of someone.

“No Deke, you know what I mean... It’s just that you don’t look so good right now.”

“Huh?” Deke muttered, confused of what he had heard.

“Uhm...you look tired. You have bags under your eyes.” Jemma clarified. “You’re not you right now.”

“You mean eye bags?” Deke asked. “You know, I don’t feel so tired right now.”

“Deke, are you sure?” Jemma asked in a concerned tone. “Why don’t you take a nap?.”

“No, I should get to work right now. Bobo needs me to finish this for a couple of days.”

“Couple of days? So, you don’t need to rush this up.”

“I’ve barely even started. I should really work right now.” Deke wasn’t even looking at Jemma then - his eyes were still focused on the worktable. “Bobo is very bossy right now and if I don’t finish this on the deadline, I don’t know what he’ll do to me.”

“I’m sure he won’t be mad at you.” Jemma put her hand on his shoulder, but he pushed it away.

“Please.” Deke spoke furiously. “Leave me alone right now.”

Jemma didn’t expect her hand to be pushed away. This wasn’t the first time either... she wondered why. “Deke?”

“I said, please.”

“Okay.” she scoffed lightly before walking away, then Deke was the only one in the lab and it was silent again.

He realized too late that he hadn’t been good to Jemma. He acted stubborn. But he didn’t care. He was busy, or… pretending to be – at this point he couldn’t tell. He needed to work fast, he did what he could but his mind was so very empty and couldn’t find any sort of motivation to work swiftly. Jemma was right, he looked tired and he felt tired; but that doesn’t matter, he had to keep working. He kept blinking, hoping he wouldn’t fall asleep on the table. Even a cup of coffee couldn’t cure his relentless drowsiness.

* * *

Finally, he could lay down on the bed in his bunk, covering himself with his white blanket with a soft pillow under his head, with all the lights on his bedroom turned off. After hours of work, he could have a nice and wonderful sleep. A time for him to relax and have a nice rest after a long day. He exhaled a deep breath before he closed his eyes, beginning to drift off to sleep.

A few seconds after he closed his eyes, he heard a loud knock on his door. He thought this day was over but that knock…he knew he wasn’t going to sleep yet.

“What?!!” he yelled.

“Deke, sparring time!!” he heard Daisy’s voice. “It’s already 6 in the morning.”

 _“6 in the morning?”_ he muttered to himself. He wasn’t convinced it was already that late…or early but when he looked at the time on his cellphone, it’s 6:02am. Oh, shit. He wanted that sleep. But he couldn’t skip the combat training session today, or else, Daisy would be very disappointed.

“Coming!!” Deke said irritably. He slowly got up and rubbed his itchy eyes. Another day to wake up, another shitty day to live. He didn’t want to get up, he wanted to just have a long time to rest and lie down on his bed, on a very dark room, if that satisfies him, laying down like a caterpillar inside his cocoon blanket. But he can’t do anything, an agent needs to get up, and work every day, not just be locked inside his room.

Deke didn’t mind anything. He lazily chose some clothes to wear, picking up what on the most left side…his plain white boring t-shirt.

He couldn’t count how many times he dodged, he couldn’t count how many times he punched or fought back either. Every time he stepped on the training mat and had a sparring session with Daisy, he lost control, mind full of incomprehensible thoughts. A blow hit him on his cheek, making him fall on the ground, even though he was usually unphased by hits of that strength.

“Oh god, so sorry, did I hit you too hard?” she said while seeing him fail to get back up. She expected to see some kind of mark on his cheek or a very-noticing wound on the side of his lips but she saw nothing. “Oh… doesn’t look too bad. Are you okay?.”

He breathed heavily and repeatedly. “I’m fine, I just…lost focus.”

“Oh.” Daisy muttered. “I thought so. I mean - I just noticed over the past few weeks, you haven’t been very focused on our sessions. You always miss the target on your weapons session. You weren’t like this before. Is anything up?”

“Nothing.” Deke answered.

“Nothing?” Daisy echoed his word. “I haven’t seen any developments. I’m your S.O., and I should really feel worried about that. I feel like I failed with training you.” she reached her right hand for him to grab and stand up.

“Daisy, don’t say that.”

“I mean, you’re well…before. I guess I was pretty confident because my only student always aced his tests. But that was before.” Daisy sighed. “I don’t know what's happened to you lately. If you could tell me what’s going on wit-”

“There’s nothing going on with me, okay?” he replied, looking at her. “I’m fine.” he shook his head, and gave her a grin.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” he nodded. “I’m very sure.” he chuckled lightly and smiled as big as he could.

“Okay, if there’s something really going on with you, just tell me. I’m here.” Daisy patted his left shoulder. “Losing focus shouldn’t happen during our training, understand?”

“Uh, huh.” he nodded.

“Good.” Daisy gave him a grin. “Why don’t you take a rest right now? I know you’re very exhausted right now.”

“Not very exhausted, actually.” he snickered. “But taking a rest. I would love to. Thanks for the time.” then he smiled on his last glance with her, until he turned back and walked away, his smile faded quickly and the drained look reappeared.

* * *

He felt the lightheadedness after training. All the sleep he didn’t get from overworking must have caught up with him. He didn’t mind overworking though, it helped him busy to keep from overthinking, Deke had always done that. Overthinking. And he couldn’t help it, if he could keep himself busy always, he could stop. He was supposed to be in the lab, working the teleportation device like Fitz wants him to work on, but there he was laying on his bunk bed, with the lights turned off.

Maybe it was time to take a break from everything, being constantly busy didn’t seem help him anymore, he just wanted to lie down. But lying down wouldn’t end his discomfort. Even sleeping couldn’t stop him from overthinking every thought his mind came up with, does all of this matter? Does what he do really matter? To everyone? Does he matter to everyone? Does he matter to the team? Does he matter at all?

He wanted to drink a bucket with ten bottles of Zima, but he doesn’t want to end up throwing up, that’d just make everything even worse. He went to the bathroom with his towel, taking off his clothes for a shower. He wanted to thank whoever invented bathtubs that had a shower above it. Ever time he took a shower he reveled in the feeling of the water crashing down on him, thinking about being on a lake, with a waterfall above it, pretending he’s drowning. He closed his eyes and let it all go down on him, hoping he could forget his thoughts..

After a few minutes of showering, he wiped his wet body with his towel and wrapped himself in it. He stood still as he stopped by to take a quick look of himself in the mirror. Then the medicine cabinet was on the top left, the medicine cabinet is there, the medicine cabinet with something, he opened it and saw a small orange container full of pills. Orange is a nice color, he was curious, he grabbed the container and looked at it; deep in thought

“Deke!!”

He was called from the door again. This time, it was May’s voice. What does she want?

“Get your lazy ass off and get to work!! FitzSimmons are calling you.”

He could even hear it in his bathroom.

“Coming, May!!”

He put down the orange container and got out of the bathroom to change quickly.

* * *

Deke knew he was in a rush, but he wasn’t in a mood to run quickly. He knew what was going to happen next…Fitz would lecture him for not working properly. He doesn’t want that in his lab. When he entered the lab, his co-workers were moving nonstop, he couldn’t handle the business of the atmosphere.

“Deke, where have you been?” Fitz asked calmly, which surprised him because he expected him to yell.

“Just taking a shower.” Deke chuckled. “Now, I’m here don’t worry. I’m ready to work.”

“Good.” Fitz patted his shoulder. “Keep yourself busy, I’ll be working on the Zephyr right now. There’s a few problems I need to work out. I want you to finish what you’ve been working on, we’ll need that by tomorrow.”

“Uhm…” Deke mumbled sheepishly. “What if I can’t finish it by tomorrow? Is it okay to extend the deadline?” he gave Fitz a desperate look that maybe it’d be enough for him to agree.

“Aren’t you confident?” Fitz said, crossing his arms. “You’re the one who said connectivity is productivity, right? All of these people are counting on you.”

“But-”

“No buts, Deke.” Fitz interrupted him. “I know you can finish that. I can see what you’re really capable of. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go now.”

Then he walked away.

Deke didn’t immediately move after that conversation. He wasn’t in his right shape of mind to work on something. He watched people around him hurry, moving fast like they were on fast forward while he was just on freeze.

“Mr. Shaw, is there something I can do for you?”

“Mr. Shaw, is anything okay?”

He looked at his worktable from afar which contained his unfinished work. He wasn’t sure if he could cram it in just one day. Maybe he’ll just leave that one and save that one someday when he wants to work. He doesn’t care if Fitz gets mad at him for neglecting his work. He wanted some space where there were no people surrounding him, no bright and flashy lights, loud chatter and music that irritates him, and time where he wanted to be alone.

He didn’t care people looking around him as he walked away from the lab, because he wanted to leave so badly.

* * *

Deke went to his bathroom, just located on the furthest side of the bedroom. There were no other rooms surrounding it, just his bedroom. Behind the walls are just compact cement, and an extremely hard bedrock layer. He believed no one could hear him unless someone was in his bedroom. It was a very safe place for him to do something - stupid or not. He looked himself in the mirror again, like what he did almost half an hour ago. He went away and still ended up here. It was called comfort room for a reason.

There it is again, the orange container full of pills, it caught his attention once again. This time, he finally opened the lid. He shook and heard pills clicking on the walls of the container. He flipped it upside down and let all the pills fall on his right hand. These are many. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…seven. Seven pills that he’s about to take. Without hesitation, he put all of those in his mouth, while still looking the mirror.

* * *

After a couple of minutes of stretching of cooling down from a combat session, Daisy grabbed a purple mug from the rack and filled it with hot water from the kettle. Even after a lot of stretching, it did not stop her from doing it while she’s already sitting on the table, after stirring her coffee. It helped her muscles and joints more relaxed. Just as when she was about to sip her drink, she heard her phone ringing from her pocket and grunted as she picked it up because it ruined her sipping moment.

He saw Deke’s name and pressed on the green button to answer.

“Hey, what’s up?” she greeted in a happy way.

“Daisy.” he responded with a crack in his voice. “Glad you answered.”

She noticed his sniffles between his lines. “Hey, are you okay? Sounds like you are crying. Don’t tell me that’s just a cold.”

“Okay, yeah, I’m crying, whatever.” he snickered.

“Is there something wrong? Where are you?” Daisy quickly stood up.

“Can you please come here for a second? I’m…I’m on my room.”

“Sure, sure. I’ll be right there for a second, hold on, okay?” she walked fast after she pressed the red button, leaving her purple mug still full of coffee. She couldn’t run quickly on her tired feet. She should not panic, he’s just crying, right? Not doing anything stupid, just crying. Maybe he was crying because he got hurt? No, he wasn’t in the lab having an accident. He’s just in his room, making her wonder what he’s actually doing.

“Deke?” she knocked on his door, he didn’t respond. The door wasn’t locked anyway so she opened the door and turned on the light. He wasn’t on his bunk bed but the bathroom door was half-open and the light there was turned on. She heard his loud sniffles as she approached and opened the door widely, and saw him sitting on the floor, beside his toilet, leaning his head against the wall while his eyes were very red and his face was full of tears.

“Hey.” he spoke softly and smiled as he looked on her from the door.

“I’m here.” she bent her knees and grabbed him for a tight hug. “I’m here, don’t worry.” he gently stroked his hair and let him sob into her shoulder. “I knew there was something weird going on with you lately. Could tell me what is it about?”

“I’m tired, Daisy. I’m so tired.” he said.

She saw an small empty orange container in front of her. “You’re taking pills?” she released him from the hug. “You’re taking pills?!!” she echoed her previous words.

“I spat them out in the toilet, anyway.” he responded. “I thought it could be the best way to end-”

“No, that’s stupid!!” she would have slapped him so hard if he wasn’t just sitting there and sobbing.

“As if it matters anyway.”

“Of course, it matters!!” she scolded. “So you’re just gonna do this and let us weep over you. What the fuck?!! You got me, FitzSimmons, May, Coulson, Mack, Yo-yo, everyone around here. What’s making you do this? Huh?” she didn’t realize she is also choking on her own tears. “Why didn’t you tell me what you’re really going through?”

“Because I don’t want you all to worry about me.” he swallowed. “And I didn’t expect you all to.”

Daisy placed her right hand on his wet cheek. “Hey, look at me. Don’t you ever think of that.”

He followed what she said, fixing his gaze at her.

“I don’t want to lose another friend like you. I cannot spend a day without seeing you, hearing you babble.” she snickered, and so he did. “You’re too precious for me to lose.”

“Really?” he grinned big and exhaled a deep breath.

“Yes.” she nodded. “You’re one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met and I can’t afford to lose you so don’t do that stupid thing, do you understand?”

He gave her a single nod before she kissed his forehead and hugged him tightly again. “I love you, you little weirdo.” she whispered while stroking his hair and her own tears start to fall on his jacket.

* * *

“Thanks for the water.” Deke said as he sat down on his bed beside Daisy and put the glass on the table on the floor. “And thanks for the TED talk earlier.”

“No problem, that’s my thing.” she said. “You know, I’ve gone through what you’re going through right now. I’m glad you called me.” she patted on his back.

“Anyway, I should get going. I got to continue worki-”

“No, no, no, you’re staying here.” she interrupted and stopped him from getting up from his bed as he pulled the hood of his hoodie which made him sit down again. “You’re very exhausted, I could see it on your looks. When I said rest, I meant sleep.”

“Okay, boss.” he beamed at her. “Yes, I need a twenty-four-hour sleep, to be honest.” he started lying down and picked up his white blanket.

“Don’t worry about FitzSimmons, I’ll tell them about you. I am sure they’ll understand about you. I hope you don’t get your sleep interrupted. After you wake up, maybe…the two of us can go to dinner together, just the two of us. My treat, I knew you haven’t eaten for too lon-”

She stopped talking when he heard Deke’s snores getting louder. At one second, she’s about to laugh on how silly it sounds but she’s glad that she finally saw him have a peaceful sleep, at least for him. “Okay, sleep tight, buddy.” he touched his right hand and she smiled before standing up.


End file.
